So my hopes were pinned on embryo storage. Whilst it is more successful, it's out of mine and my parents' price range.
I can't get over this not being able to have my own children shit. Starting hormones is my choice. I'm bringing this on myself. It's my fault.
I don't know how to deal with this. I've gone back to drinking in a bad way.
I've been crying for the past hour over this.
Thursday 24 March 2011
Friday 25 February 2011
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Deluxe Ninja Megazord!
I had this toy when I was a kid.
I fucking loved it. I was obssessed with Power Rangers when I was younger. Had pictures of them cut from magazines all over my walls, had dolls (or action figures shall we say) of them and everything. The movie came out and it was AWESOME! (just so you know, I would have been 7 when it came out). And then Christmas came. And I wanted that toy. And what was sitting under the christmas tree? Yup, santa had delivered again! I remembered it was wrapped in a bin bag cause my mum (or rather, santa's elves) didn't have any sheets of wrapping paper left that were big enough to cover it.
I played with it so much. I loved how you could play with all five zords seperately and then TRANSFORM AND CONNECT THEM TO MAKE THE MEGAZORD! I'm pretty sure I even had the white ranger's falcon attachment that you had to buy seperately.
For the past two days all I have been thinking about is this toy. First of all I spent an hour on google trying to find out what it was even called cause I'd forgotten entirely. Then I've been searching for pictures and anywhere I could buy one. Nothing on ebay. The only one I've found so far is that one on amazon us, and it's $340.
You're probably wondering what on earth this has to do with anything transrelated but right now this has EVERYTHING to do with trans shit.
You see I had my first appointment in Leeds about storing eggs and what have you so I have the option for biological kids. Something which I have come to discover these past few months, I really want. I was told by my case facilitator that the cost would be something like £250 to get the eggs then around £210 a year for storage with a commitment to 10 years of storage, so around £2350. I then got a letter saying the cost would be £3000 which is a fair bit more but hey, my parents said they would lend me the money until I'm done with uni and earning. I go to the meeting and I find out that just GETTING the eggs is £3000. Storage is then £250 a year after. This makes £5500, more than DOUBLE what I was told. With one lump payment of over ten times the amount I was told the treatment to get the eggs would be. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do. They then said this treatment only has a 1 in 5 chance of actually being successful. I nearly cried in the meeting, I acted like the cost wasn't a shock for me, arranged some other appointments and then wandered off into some suburban area of Leeds to try and deal.
At this point I was thinking, that's it, no chance at all, no way my parents can afford that. My parents have since said they still will pay for it but they can't really afford it, I don't want to borrow that much of what little money they have on something that has an 80% chance of failure. But I don't know what to do. I want to have kids. But I think it would devastate me even more if all that money was spent and then it failed. And the odds are against me. And it's not just about the money, just having this option open, this bit of hope, and then having it all crushed again when it hurts so much right now? I don't know if I want to set myself up for that.
But then as everyone says, what if it works? ODDS ARE IT WON'T. But what if? I thought I was okish about this. I mean a bit gutted but hey, at least I don't have to wait for fertility treatment and can start hormones pretty much now? But now I'm having reservations about doing that. I'm especially scared of the changes to the downstairs that go on, a region I pretty much resolutely ignore. And now, what if I'm having reservations about EVERYTHING? I'm having some fucking identity crisis or some shit and I thought I was done with all that crap when I finally admitted I was trans. And I've been so much happier.
But I'm not ready to shut down the option of biological offspring. Not ready at all. I don't even know how to begin to start dealing with or getting over something like that. I've been trying to think about it but my thoughts just go round and round, I try to talk about it but it's hard not to get emotional and I don't really want to show that. I'm down again. I'm not going to lectures. The only decision I can even come close to making is that I'm not ready to make a decision yet. So I figure put off hormones yeah? But I can't do that indefinitely. I don't know how much longer I can put up with staying how I am.
And so we come to the toy that I've been searching for for the past two days and shortly after I found the boxed copies for sale in the link above and let out a little moan of longing I realised:-
The reason I have been searching so hard for this toy from my childhood for the past two days is in an attempt to reclaim my childhood, I am attempting to reclaim my childhood because I am uncomfortable with having to give up the option for biological children, I am thinking that if I have this toy it won't matter that I can't have kids because I will be a kid again. But now that I've realised this even if I went and spent $340 that I don't have on this stupid toy it won't make everything ok anymore. It won't make me accept this or help me decide this. It won't make me ready.
And I just wish I hadn't realised and I wish I'd bought the toy and I wish that that was it.
I fucking loved it. I was obssessed with Power Rangers when I was younger. Had pictures of them cut from magazines all over my walls, had dolls (or action figures shall we say) of them and everything. The movie came out and it was AWESOME! (just so you know, I would have been 7 when it came out). And then Christmas came. And I wanted that toy. And what was sitting under the christmas tree? Yup, santa had delivered again! I remembered it was wrapped in a bin bag cause my mum (or rather, santa's elves) didn't have any sheets of wrapping paper left that were big enough to cover it.
I played with it so much. I loved how you could play with all five zords seperately and then TRANSFORM AND CONNECT THEM TO MAKE THE MEGAZORD! I'm pretty sure I even had the white ranger's falcon attachment that you had to buy seperately.
For the past two days all I have been thinking about is this toy. First of all I spent an hour on google trying to find out what it was even called cause I'd forgotten entirely. Then I've been searching for pictures and anywhere I could buy one. Nothing on ebay. The only one I've found so far is that one on amazon us, and it's $340.
You're probably wondering what on earth this has to do with anything transrelated but right now this has EVERYTHING to do with trans shit.
You see I had my first appointment in Leeds about storing eggs and what have you so I have the option for biological kids. Something which I have come to discover these past few months, I really want. I was told by my case facilitator that the cost would be something like £250 to get the eggs then around £210 a year for storage with a commitment to 10 years of storage, so around £2350. I then got a letter saying the cost would be £3000 which is a fair bit more but hey, my parents said they would lend me the money until I'm done with uni and earning. I go to the meeting and I find out that just GETTING the eggs is £3000. Storage is then £250 a year after. This makes £5500, more than DOUBLE what I was told. With one lump payment of over ten times the amount I was told the treatment to get the eggs would be. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do. They then said this treatment only has a 1 in 5 chance of actually being successful. I nearly cried in the meeting, I acted like the cost wasn't a shock for me, arranged some other appointments and then wandered off into some suburban area of Leeds to try and deal.
At this point I was thinking, that's it, no chance at all, no way my parents can afford that. My parents have since said they still will pay for it but they can't really afford it, I don't want to borrow that much of what little money they have on something that has an 80% chance of failure. But I don't know what to do. I want to have kids. But I think it would devastate me even more if all that money was spent and then it failed. And the odds are against me. And it's not just about the money, just having this option open, this bit of hope, and then having it all crushed again when it hurts so much right now? I don't know if I want to set myself up for that.
But then as everyone says, what if it works? ODDS ARE IT WON'T. But what if? I thought I was okish about this. I mean a bit gutted but hey, at least I don't have to wait for fertility treatment and can start hormones pretty much now? But now I'm having reservations about doing that. I'm especially scared of the changes to the downstairs that go on, a region I pretty much resolutely ignore. And now, what if I'm having reservations about EVERYTHING? I'm having some fucking identity crisis or some shit and I thought I was done with all that crap when I finally admitted I was trans. And I've been so much happier.
But I'm not ready to shut down the option of biological offspring. Not ready at all. I don't even know how to begin to start dealing with or getting over something like that. I've been trying to think about it but my thoughts just go round and round, I try to talk about it but it's hard not to get emotional and I don't really want to show that. I'm down again. I'm not going to lectures. The only decision I can even come close to making is that I'm not ready to make a decision yet. So I figure put off hormones yeah? But I can't do that indefinitely. I don't know how much longer I can put up with staying how I am.
And so we come to the toy that I've been searching for for the past two days and shortly after I found the boxed copies for sale in the link above and let out a little moan of longing I realised:-
The reason I have been searching so hard for this toy from my childhood for the past two days is in an attempt to reclaim my childhood, I am attempting to reclaim my childhood because I am uncomfortable with having to give up the option for biological children, I am thinking that if I have this toy it won't matter that I can't have kids because I will be a kid again. But now that I've realised this even if I went and spent $340 that I don't have on this stupid toy it won't make everything ok anymore. It won't make me accept this or help me decide this. It won't make me ready.
And I just wish I hadn't realised and I wish I'd bought the toy and I wish that that was it.
Wednesday 15 December 2010
I've not updated in FUCKING AGES!
So this was meant to be a good way to track my progress and perhaps some vague information for the odd person who stumbles across it. However I am a lazy wanker. Well. More than that which I may get into in a bit... anyways. MY PROGRESS!
So where I left off in the second to last blog, the whole children question. I finally decided myself that I was willing to forgo children purely because I couldn't afford egg storage myself, I didn't think my parents could afford egg storage for me and I didn't want to delay testosterone for three to five more years when I should (hopefully) have the money. However, finally spoke to my parents about it and my mum is adament I store eggs. We spoke for a good five or ten minutes on the phone about it (aided by the fact I was out with a mate and already had a few drinks in me, I barely ever speak to my parents about anything serious EVER which made coming out to them so hard, and even then I did it whilst on something...). Anyways, my mum's general consensus was that she would pay and I could pay them back once I was earning enough, my dad was less inclined to fund it. But don't take that as him not accepting me, it's more a case of they can't fucking afford it AT ALL which is why I felt bad bringing it up in the first place. My mum said she would find the money though. And I kinda get where she's coming from, I talked to her about how I wanted biological children and was worried I might not love other children, she told me how she really wants biological grandchildren and that not to worry about not loving non biological children as she still loves her step-grandkids, but it's only a natural human urge to want biological ones. She also said she reckoned I was her best hope for biological grandchildren out of the four biological kids she has. That says something about how much she wants grandkids if the tranny is the best hope haha. Or maybe that says something more about my siblings/half siblings. To be fair, one has drink and drug problems and is already well into his 40s, one is a lesbian who doesn't seem intent on settling down anytime soon if at all and the other is straight but I think perhaps has too high standards.
But I digress from what was going to be the main point of this blog. Which I have now forgotten but I think it might have been:-
THE GENDER PANEL MET AND DISCUSSED ME! I got a call from one of the nurses mostly just saying that I had to go to Leeds for the egg storage and that a request had been put in and that the price was more expensive than originally thought ( :( ) and that she didn't know how long the waiting list was but then after that they said...
DUN DA DA DUUUUN
It had been agreed for me to go on hormones as soon as the egg storage had happened. Cause obviously once you start testosterone and shit it fucks with your woman parts. Now I just have to hope that it isn't too long a waiting list to get some eggs outta me then I'll be on the fucking T.
EXCITED!
So where I left off in the second to last blog, the whole children question. I finally decided myself that I was willing to forgo children purely because I couldn't afford egg storage myself, I didn't think my parents could afford egg storage for me and I didn't want to delay testosterone for three to five more years when I should (hopefully) have the money. However, finally spoke to my parents about it and my mum is adament I store eggs. We spoke for a good five or ten minutes on the phone about it (aided by the fact I was out with a mate and already had a few drinks in me, I barely ever speak to my parents about anything serious EVER which made coming out to them so hard, and even then I did it whilst on something...). Anyways, my mum's general consensus was that she would pay and I could pay them back once I was earning enough, my dad was less inclined to fund it. But don't take that as him not accepting me, it's more a case of they can't fucking afford it AT ALL which is why I felt bad bringing it up in the first place. My mum said she would find the money though. And I kinda get where she's coming from, I talked to her about how I wanted biological children and was worried I might not love other children, she told me how she really wants biological grandchildren and that not to worry about not loving non biological children as she still loves her step-grandkids, but it's only a natural human urge to want biological ones. She also said she reckoned I was her best hope for biological grandchildren out of the four biological kids she has. That says something about how much she wants grandkids if the tranny is the best hope haha. Or maybe that says something more about my siblings/half siblings. To be fair, one has drink and drug problems and is already well into his 40s, one is a lesbian who doesn't seem intent on settling down anytime soon if at all and the other is straight but I think perhaps has too high standards.
But I digress from what was going to be the main point of this blog. Which I have now forgotten but I think it might have been:-
THE GENDER PANEL MET AND DISCUSSED ME! I got a call from one of the nurses mostly just saying that I had to go to Leeds for the egg storage and that a request had been put in and that the price was more expensive than originally thought ( :( ) and that she didn't know how long the waiting list was but then after that they said...
DUN DA DA DUUUUN
It had been agreed for me to go on hormones as soon as the egg storage had happened. Cause obviously once you start testosterone and shit it fucks with your woman parts. Now I just have to hope that it isn't too long a waiting list to get some eggs outta me then I'll be on the fucking T.
EXCITED!
Thursday 28 October 2010
Various occurrences passing/not passing part 1
First time I attempt to pass as male in public at home with friends results in most people not noticing. One drunken girl:-
'Sorry, I don't mean to be rude or anything but are you a boy or a girl?'
'Well, actually I'm transgendered, so I was born female but am male.'
'Oh really that's cool, I just thought I'd ask cause like I wasn't sure but don't mean to offend or anything. That's cool that you're so open about it and that.'
The rest are since I've attended uni.
I was shocked by how easily I passed. I had set up a group on facebook before for people living in the same flats I was that 60 odd people joined so that probably helped slightly as my facebook was male, but still, even going with my all female flatmates to meet other flats I was taken as male. (I will explain more about why I am in/chose to live in an all female flat later)
*going down to meet the flat below (all guys)* everyone introduced themselves.
'And you mate?'
'I'm removed. From Suffolk.'
'Oh, Barney's from Suffolk too.'
Barney - 'You're from Suffolk? Good lad!'
*going into accommodation reception to report a maintenance issue* Guy on phone, 'I have a young gentleman here whose lock appears to be jammed.'
Later on the same incidence I failed to pass to the people fixing my lock. This was only the third time I had failed to pass at uni and I like to think it was to do with the fact that I live in an all female flat within flats that are ALWAYS same gendered. (due to shared bathroom facilities, I emailed to check it was still ok I lived here and was told yes)
1st time I failed to pass was during fresher's week to a randomer who myself and my flatmate were hanging out with.
2nd time was on a bar crawl at a gay bar, one drunk girl was all up in my face saying YOU'RE NOT A BOY I CAN TELL WOMEN'S INTUITION so eventually I just told them I was trans to get them to shut up.
I'm still slightly surprised when I am referenced in the correct gender. I still find it slightly strange. But within the group of friends I am currently making I obviously pass well enough, especially as one of the lads gave me a rather forceful thump on the arm that hurt quite a bit and I know he's the kind of guy that would never even softly punch a girl. But then I have a low pain threshhold and it's probably good training.
Ok, this blog has ended up rather more erratic than I originally intended but fuck it I can't be arsed to edit. Just gonna post it as is.
'Sorry, I don't mean to be rude or anything but are you a boy or a girl?'
'Well, actually I'm transgendered, so I was born female but am male.'
'Oh really that's cool, I just thought I'd ask cause like I wasn't sure but don't mean to offend or anything. That's cool that you're so open about it and that.'
The rest are since I've attended uni.
I was shocked by how easily I passed. I had set up a group on facebook before for people living in the same flats I was that 60 odd people joined so that probably helped slightly as my facebook was male, but still, even going with my all female flatmates to meet other flats I was taken as male. (I will explain more about why I am in/chose to live in an all female flat later)
*going down to meet the flat below (all guys)* everyone introduced themselves.
'And you mate?'
'I'm removed. From Suffolk.'
'Oh, Barney's from Suffolk too.'
Barney - 'You're from Suffolk? Good lad!'
*going into accommodation reception to report a maintenance issue* Guy on phone, 'I have a young gentleman here whose lock appears to be jammed.'
Later on the same incidence I failed to pass to the people fixing my lock. This was only the third time I had failed to pass at uni and I like to think it was to do with the fact that I live in an all female flat within flats that are ALWAYS same gendered. (due to shared bathroom facilities, I emailed to check it was still ok I lived here and was told yes)
1st time I failed to pass was during fresher's week to a randomer who myself and my flatmate were hanging out with.
2nd time was on a bar crawl at a gay bar, one drunk girl was all up in my face saying YOU'RE NOT A BOY I CAN TELL WOMEN'S INTUITION so eventually I just told them I was trans to get them to shut up.
I'm still slightly surprised when I am referenced in the correct gender. I still find it slightly strange. But within the group of friends I am currently making I obviously pass well enough, especially as one of the lads gave me a rather forceful thump on the arm that hurt quite a bit and I know he's the kind of guy that would never even softly punch a girl. But then I have a low pain threshhold and it's probably good training.
Ok, this blog has ended up rather more erratic than I originally intended but fuck it I can't be arsed to edit. Just gonna post it as is.
Do I want biological children?
This is a decision I never thought I would have to make at 21...
Here's the stitch. The way my treatment is progressing I could be starting hormones as early as the beginning of next year and, if not by then, around March/April time. What I didn't realise is that eggs would have to be stored prior to starting T as it kicks up loads of complications if you try to get some later (having to come off T, testing to check if the eggs are still viable, maybe taking estrogen to stimulate egg production again, various other things blah blah) What I also didn't realise was how expensive storage would be. There's a fee for the initial extraction, then a fee for every year you store with a minimum requirement that you pay for ten years.
So we're looking at somewhere in the region of £3200.
I don't have that much. At the moment my entire savings totals around half that amount. I probably could get the rest of the money, but it would take me a couple of years and I don't particular want to wait that long to start T.
So now I've hit a dilemma. Current desire to starting T vs future possibility of biological children.
I keep putting off having to think or talk about it because if you ask me it's rather a big thing but I suppose I should try and sort through some of my thoughts which are currently all rather muddled.
At the moment I don't have an extreme I MUST START T NOW outlook. I'm not feeling hard done by waiting for my case to come before the gender panel. However, I do want to start them and don't really think the idea of waiting a couple of years is very appealing. Mostly because I think T will help me with confidence and passing.
I'm passing rather well at the moment. Maybe 80/90% of the time. I think this is helped by the fact that I restarted university, so while I am actually nearly 22 years old, I am quite passable as an 18 year old male and blend in with the other first years. I am of the opinion that the older I get the harder it will be to pass, but I am unsure if this is unfounded.
So I would rather like to start T as soon as they'll let me.
However, part of me does want to be a dad. And of the part of me that wants to be a dad, the majority of that part wants to father biological children. I acknowledge that I can't in the traditional sense, but I could have a genetic child via either a surrogate or my partner carrying my eggs with donor sperm.
The thing is, and I don't know if this is due to my young age or whatever, but I can't really see that happening. Maybe I'm being pessimistic. I view the odds of my a)finding a partner, b)deciding that we both want kids, c)having that partner willing to use my eggs over their own and d)obtaining donor sperm in light of the current situation in the UK as all very slim. So do I want to spend what is a rather large sum of money on something that probably won't even come to pass?
Because it is a lot of money. To me. At the clinic they suggested some parents would pay for storage but I come from a low income background and there is no way my parents could afford that much. Say they managed to afford the half I'm short, do I still want to spend all my savings on something that might never even come to be? It's a lot of fucking money when they might not even get used and to be honest, I'd quite like to go to Australia this summer to visit two mates that live there.
But then when I'm older looking back will I regret going to Australia over future children?
I'm sure some of you are thinking but what about fostering or adoption or donor sperm + your partner's eggs.
I've thought about all those too and here is where I am going to sound like an ignorant twat. While fostering and adoption are things I am interested in and the third option is also fine as a possibility, what if I want my OWN kids? And yes I realise that is not a very nice thing to say but at the moment it is how I feel.
Urgh. I feel bad just writing that. But I don't know, I'm young and naive and don't fully understand how love works. Perhaps I'm scared I won't be able to love kids that don't share genes with me.
Basically, I think my decision is already made. I am not going to store eggs. I am not going to spend that kind of money on the off chance that future me has managed to find someone and settle down and wants kids. I am not going to ask my parents for money for it. And I am not going to delay hormones to try and earn that money myself for it.
But still I really wish I didn't have to eliminate all possibility at such a young age...
Here's the stitch. The way my treatment is progressing I could be starting hormones as early as the beginning of next year and, if not by then, around March/April time. What I didn't realise is that eggs would have to be stored prior to starting T as it kicks up loads of complications if you try to get some later (having to come off T, testing to check if the eggs are still viable, maybe taking estrogen to stimulate egg production again, various other things blah blah) What I also didn't realise was how expensive storage would be. There's a fee for the initial extraction, then a fee for every year you store with a minimum requirement that you pay for ten years.
So we're looking at somewhere in the region of £3200.
I don't have that much. At the moment my entire savings totals around half that amount. I probably could get the rest of the money, but it would take me a couple of years and I don't particular want to wait that long to start T.
So now I've hit a dilemma. Current desire to starting T vs future possibility of biological children.
I keep putting off having to think or talk about it because if you ask me it's rather a big thing but I suppose I should try and sort through some of my thoughts which are currently all rather muddled.
At the moment I don't have an extreme I MUST START T NOW outlook. I'm not feeling hard done by waiting for my case to come before the gender panel. However, I do want to start them and don't really think the idea of waiting a couple of years is very appealing. Mostly because I think T will help me with confidence and passing.
I'm passing rather well at the moment. Maybe 80/90% of the time. I think this is helped by the fact that I restarted university, so while I am actually nearly 22 years old, I am quite passable as an 18 year old male and blend in with the other first years. I am of the opinion that the older I get the harder it will be to pass, but I am unsure if this is unfounded.
So I would rather like to start T as soon as they'll let me.
However, part of me does want to be a dad. And of the part of me that wants to be a dad, the majority of that part wants to father biological children. I acknowledge that I can't in the traditional sense, but I could have a genetic child via either a surrogate or my partner carrying my eggs with donor sperm.
The thing is, and I don't know if this is due to my young age or whatever, but I can't really see that happening. Maybe I'm being pessimistic. I view the odds of my a)finding a partner, b)deciding that we both want kids, c)having that partner willing to use my eggs over their own and d)obtaining donor sperm in light of the current situation in the UK as all very slim. So do I want to spend what is a rather large sum of money on something that probably won't even come to pass?
Because it is a lot of money. To me. At the clinic they suggested some parents would pay for storage but I come from a low income background and there is no way my parents could afford that much. Say they managed to afford the half I'm short, do I still want to spend all my savings on something that might never even come to be? It's a lot of fucking money when they might not even get used and to be honest, I'd quite like to go to Australia this summer to visit two mates that live there.
But then when I'm older looking back will I regret going to Australia over future children?
I'm sure some of you are thinking but what about fostering or adoption or donor sperm + your partner's eggs.
I've thought about all those too and here is where I am going to sound like an ignorant twat. While fostering and adoption are things I am interested in and the third option is also fine as a possibility, what if I want my OWN kids? And yes I realise that is not a very nice thing to say but at the moment it is how I feel.
Urgh. I feel bad just writing that. But I don't know, I'm young and naive and don't fully understand how love works. Perhaps I'm scared I won't be able to love kids that don't share genes with me.
Basically, I think my decision is already made. I am not going to store eggs. I am not going to spend that kind of money on the off chance that future me has managed to find someone and settle down and wants kids. I am not going to ask my parents for money for it. And I am not going to delay hormones to try and earn that money myself for it.
But still I really wish I didn't have to eliminate all possibility at such a young age...
Thursday 14 October 2010
My Facebook Coming Out Post
If you were curious, this was how I came out to 250+ people. I have removed all references to my past and present names as I desire to keep this blog anonymous for the moment. Although I realise anyone I know already who stumbles across this will recognise it's me from this post.
Title - I'm coming out! (I want the world to know)
Yes that's right, I'm coming out of the big trans closet. It's similar to the big gay closet but instead of hiding gay porn at the back of it, one hides boxer shorts and fake beards.
So that's it, some of you already know, some of you already guessed, few of you, I doubt, will be surprised but I am transgendered, currently receiving treatment for gender identity disorder in Sheffield and intend to return to uni as male in September.
I figured this was the best way of informing remaining people (although I did debate an ad in the anouncement pages of the Bury Free Press). I'm getting a wee bit sick of having the same conversation over and over and also, some of you I rarely get to see in person so forgive this copout method of letting you know. I also thought it might be best to do this now before I got the chance to get drunk and start telling people willy nilly again whether they want to hear about it or not.
If you have any questions at all feel free to message me and I'll answer them for you, perhaps I'll produce an informative FAQ, or else just tell you to bloody google it.
With regards to my name I shall be changing it yet again because sod unisex, I want a male name. And while I think I would make an excellent Oscar or Rupert I have decided to use the name my parents would've used if I had had a penis at birth, that being REMOVED.
But also, be thankful! I represent that rarest of letters in LGBT, I complete your rainbow of friends! I am the LGBT communities equivalent of a star rare pokemon card.
So, male pronouns people. I won't get offended if you slip up now and again but try and remember. Don't tag me in any old photos where I appear female and for the love of god STOP CALLING ME REMOVED! Keep calling me REMOVED, REMOVED is also still ok as I shall be keeping that as my middle name, REMOVED is where it's at. Yes you do have to use both first names because I like being reminded of the fact that I am like a Roman general.
So yup, that's my news, and while I may have peppered this note with humour, that most English of coping mechanisms, know that I am being serious in this and that I'm not at all doing it purely because Hollyoaks are running an ftm* storyline and, if it's on Hollyoaks, it must be cool! Not that at all.
My real reason is I REALLY wanna see what a Yorkie bar tastes like.
Yours
REMOVED formerly... well you remember.
*that's female to male for those unfamiliar with tranny lingo.
PS This will remain up on my profile for approximately two weeks for people to peruse at their leisure, then I shall be removing it before my return to uni.
Title - I'm coming out! (I want the world to know)
Yes that's right, I'm coming out of the big trans closet. It's similar to the big gay closet but instead of hiding gay porn at the back of it, one hides boxer shorts and fake beards.
So that's it, some of you already know, some of you already guessed, few of you, I doubt, will be surprised but I am transgendered, currently receiving treatment for gender identity disorder in Sheffield and intend to return to uni as male in September.
I figured this was the best way of informing remaining people (although I did debate an ad in the anouncement pages of the Bury Free Press). I'm getting a wee bit sick of having the same conversation over and over and also, some of you I rarely get to see in person so forgive this copout method of letting you know. I also thought it might be best to do this now before I got the chance to get drunk and start telling people willy nilly again whether they want to hear about it or not.
If you have any questions at all feel free to message me and I'll answer them for you, perhaps I'll produce an informative FAQ, or else just tell you to bloody google it.
With regards to my name I shall be changing it yet again because sod unisex, I want a male name. And while I think I would make an excellent Oscar or Rupert I have decided to use the name my parents would've used if I had had a penis at birth, that being REMOVED.
But also, be thankful! I represent that rarest of letters in LGBT, I complete your rainbow of friends! I am the LGBT communities equivalent of a star rare pokemon card.
So, male pronouns people. I won't get offended if you slip up now and again but try and remember. Don't tag me in any old photos where I appear female and for the love of god STOP CALLING ME REMOVED! Keep calling me REMOVED, REMOVED is also still ok as I shall be keeping that as my middle name, REMOVED is where it's at. Yes you do have to use both first names because I like being reminded of the fact that I am like a Roman general.
So yup, that's my news, and while I may have peppered this note with humour, that most English of coping mechanisms, know that I am being serious in this and that I'm not at all doing it purely because Hollyoaks are running an ftm* storyline and, if it's on Hollyoaks, it must be cool! Not that at all.
My real reason is I REALLY wanna see what a Yorkie bar tastes like.
Yours
REMOVED formerly... well you remember.
*that's female to male for those unfamiliar with tranny lingo.
PS This will remain up on my profile for approximately two weeks for people to peruse at their leisure, then I shall be removing it before my return to uni.
Trans timeline
Will give more detail on various happenings at some point.
Early 2009 - I talk with a friend. We play a game telling each other stuff we have never told other people. I tell them I think I might have Gender Dysphoria.
June 2009 - A friend tricks it out of me. In conversation 'Don't you ever wish you were born male?' Me, thinking they were applying this to themselves - 'Yeah!' Them 'Really?!' We discuss for a while. I mention my obsession with seeing my medical history incase I was born intersex.
July 2009 - Applied for uni, remember looking at uni LGBT site and reading about trans rep.
September 2009 - Start University. Go on LGBT bar crawl. Ask about who the trans rep is.
A bar crawl a couple of months later..? - Talk to trans rep about the possibility of my being trans whilst drunk. Another friend comes up and asks me if I've pulled. I tell him 'no, I was talking to them about how they think they might by ftm and I think I might be too.' We both forget this conversation as we are both drunk.
A couple of weeks later - trans stuff comes up in conversation. Friend remembers and goes 'OOOH'. I remember and think 'Shit I said that out loud?' Friend smart enough to realise not to mention it in general conversation with other friends.
Slightly after - Me and friend drunk. I bring it up, he tells me what I said and how he assumed I was much more confident about it by how I slipped it into conversation so casually.
Following weeks - we discuss it more at various intervals (possibly with the help of a now illegal substance which is known for its production of 'empathy and willingness to talk' side effects)
Christmas 2009 - Return home. Partake in more of this now illegal substance with home friends. Somehow on to the topic of something wrong in my life. I tell them I'm not ready to say yet. They say ok, so it's nothing medical or anything (they clearly thinking life threatening) I'm like well sort of. End up telling them. They are fine with it and tell me they had always seen me as no gender before anyway.
March 2010 - Tell a close friend who also a flatmate just before easter holidays thus no time to further discuss.
Easter 2010 - Come out to several more close friends (possibly with help of aforementioned drug). One of which a friend had already told. All with accepting responses.
Come out to my half sister (who is gay).
Now the dates become really hard to remember so all vague estimations within a month or two or just gonna miss off.
April 2010 - Mention to GP. Get referral for psychiatric evaluation. Attend psychiatric evaluation. Was told 'I knew I was meeting someone who thought they were transgendered, but when I called your name and you stood up I thought you were male.' This was when I still had longish hair (for a guy) and wasn't binding.
Go home and come out to even more friends, still all to good response.
Attend initial appointment at GID, one intended to clear waiting lists.
Come out to almost all of my close friends.
Late August 2010 - Come out to my sister. Good response. Come out to parents. Good response, not the best but far better than most. Will probably blog about later.
Come out to remaining friends and acquaintances via a facebook note. Overwhelmingly good response from everyone including some whom I don't even know that well.
Early September 2010 - Email university, change name and title, excellent handling on their part.
September 2010 - Initial proper appointments at GIC.
So Um that's the best I can do right now, may edit if I remember further stuff. And will go into more detail over further instances. This is just so you know where I'm at.
And fucking hell am I lucky.
Early 2009 - I talk with a friend. We play a game telling each other stuff we have never told other people. I tell them I think I might have Gender Dysphoria.
June 2009 - A friend tricks it out of me. In conversation 'Don't you ever wish you were born male?' Me, thinking they were applying this to themselves - 'Yeah!' Them 'Really?!' We discuss for a while. I mention my obsession with seeing my medical history incase I was born intersex.
July 2009 - Applied for uni, remember looking at uni LGBT site and reading about trans rep.
September 2009 - Start University. Go on LGBT bar crawl. Ask about who the trans rep is.
A bar crawl a couple of months later..? - Talk to trans rep about the possibility of my being trans whilst drunk. Another friend comes up and asks me if I've pulled. I tell him 'no, I was talking to them about how they think they might by ftm and I think I might be too.' We both forget this conversation as we are both drunk.
A couple of weeks later - trans stuff comes up in conversation. Friend remembers and goes 'OOOH'. I remember and think 'Shit I said that out loud?' Friend smart enough to realise not to mention it in general conversation with other friends.
Slightly after - Me and friend drunk. I bring it up, he tells me what I said and how he assumed I was much more confident about it by how I slipped it into conversation so casually.
Following weeks - we discuss it more at various intervals (possibly with the help of a now illegal substance which is known for its production of 'empathy and willingness to talk' side effects)
Christmas 2009 - Return home. Partake in more of this now illegal substance with home friends. Somehow on to the topic of something wrong in my life. I tell them I'm not ready to say yet. They say ok, so it's nothing medical or anything (they clearly thinking life threatening) I'm like well sort of. End up telling them. They are fine with it and tell me they had always seen me as no gender before anyway.
March 2010 - Tell a close friend who also a flatmate just before easter holidays thus no time to further discuss.
Easter 2010 - Come out to several more close friends (possibly with help of aforementioned drug). One of which a friend had already told. All with accepting responses.
Come out to my half sister (who is gay).
Now the dates become really hard to remember so all vague estimations within a month or two or just gonna miss off.
April 2010 - Mention to GP. Get referral for psychiatric evaluation. Attend psychiatric evaluation. Was told 'I knew I was meeting someone who thought they were transgendered, but when I called your name and you stood up I thought you were male.' This was when I still had longish hair (for a guy) and wasn't binding.
Go home and come out to even more friends, still all to good response.
Attend initial appointment at GID, one intended to clear waiting lists.
Come out to almost all of my close friends.
Late August 2010 - Come out to my sister. Good response. Come out to parents. Good response, not the best but far better than most. Will probably blog about later.
Come out to remaining friends and acquaintances via a facebook note. Overwhelmingly good response from everyone including some whom I don't even know that well.
Early September 2010 - Email university, change name and title, excellent handling on their part.
September 2010 - Initial proper appointments at GIC.
So Um that's the best I can do right now, may edit if I remember further stuff. And will go into more detail over further instances. This is just so you know where I'm at.
And fucking hell am I lucky.
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