I had this toy when I was a kid.
I fucking loved it. I was obssessed with Power Rangers when I was younger. Had pictures of them cut from magazines all over my walls, had dolls (or action figures shall we say) of them and everything. The movie came out and it was AWESOME! (just so you know, I would have been 7 when it came out). And then Christmas came. And I wanted that toy. And what was sitting under the christmas tree? Yup, santa had delivered again! I remembered it was wrapped in a bin bag cause my mum (or rather, santa's elves) didn't have any sheets of wrapping paper left that were big enough to cover it.
I played with it so much. I loved how you could play with all five zords seperately and then TRANSFORM AND CONNECT THEM TO MAKE THE MEGAZORD! I'm pretty sure I even had the white ranger's falcon attachment that you had to buy seperately.
For the past two days all I have been thinking about is this toy. First of all I spent an hour on google trying to find out what it was even called cause I'd forgotten entirely. Then I've been searching for pictures and anywhere I could buy one. Nothing on ebay. The only one I've found so far is that one on amazon us, and it's $340.
You're probably wondering what on earth this has to do with anything transrelated but right now this has EVERYTHING to do with trans shit.
You see I had my first appointment in Leeds about storing eggs and what have you so I have the option for biological kids. Something which I have come to discover these past few months, I really want. I was told by my case facilitator that the cost would be something like £250 to get the eggs then around £210 a year for storage with a commitment to 10 years of storage, so around £2350. I then got a letter saying the cost would be £3000 which is a fair bit more but hey, my parents said they would lend me the money until I'm done with uni and earning. I go to the meeting and I find out that just GETTING the eggs is £3000. Storage is then £250 a year after. This makes £5500, more than DOUBLE what I was told. With one lump payment of over ten times the amount I was told the treatment to get the eggs would be. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do. They then said this treatment only has a 1 in 5 chance of actually being successful. I nearly cried in the meeting, I acted like the cost wasn't a shock for me, arranged some other appointments and then wandered off into some suburban area of Leeds to try and deal.
At this point I was thinking, that's it, no chance at all, no way my parents can afford that. My parents have since said they still will pay for it but they can't really afford it, I don't want to borrow that much of what little money they have on something that has an 80% chance of failure. But I don't know what to do. I want to have kids. But I think it would devastate me even more if all that money was spent and then it failed. And the odds are against me. And it's not just about the money, just having this option open, this bit of hope, and then having it all crushed again when it hurts so much right now? I don't know if I want to set myself up for that.
But then as everyone says, what if it works? ODDS ARE IT WON'T. But what if? I thought I was okish about this. I mean a bit gutted but hey, at least I don't have to wait for fertility treatment and can start hormones pretty much now? But now I'm having reservations about doing that. I'm especially scared of the changes to the downstairs that go on, a region I pretty much resolutely ignore. And now, what if I'm having reservations about EVERYTHING? I'm having some fucking identity crisis or some shit and I thought I was done with all that crap when I finally admitted I was trans. And I've been so much happier.
But I'm not ready to shut down the option of biological offspring. Not ready at all. I don't even know how to begin to start dealing with or getting over something like that. I've been trying to think about it but my thoughts just go round and round, I try to talk about it but it's hard not to get emotional and I don't really want to show that. I'm down again. I'm not going to lectures. The only decision I can even come close to making is that I'm not ready to make a decision yet. So I figure put off hormones yeah? But I can't do that indefinitely. I don't know how much longer I can put up with staying how I am.
And so we come to the toy that I've been searching for for the past two days and shortly after I found the boxed copies for sale in the link above and let out a little moan of longing I realised:-
The reason I have been searching so hard for this toy from my childhood for the past two days is in an attempt to reclaim my childhood, I am attempting to reclaim my childhood because I am uncomfortable with having to give up the option for biological children, I am thinking that if I have this toy it won't matter that I can't have kids because I will be a kid again. But now that I've realised this even if I went and spent $340 that I don't have on this stupid toy it won't make everything ok anymore. It won't make me accept this or help me decide this. It won't make me ready.
And I just wish I hadn't realised and I wish I'd bought the toy and I wish that that was it.
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