Do I want biological children?

This is a decision I never thought I would have to make at 21...

Here's the stitch. The way my treatment is progressing I could be starting hormones as early as the beginning of next year and, if not by then, around March/April time. What I didn't realise is that eggs would have to be stored prior to starting T as it kicks up loads of complications if you try to get some later (having to come off T, testing to check if the eggs are still viable, maybe taking estrogen to stimulate egg production again, various other things blah blah) What I also didn't realise was how expensive storage would be. There's a fee for the initial extraction, then a fee for every year you store with a minimum requirement that you pay for ten years.

So we're looking at somewhere in the region of £3200.

I don't have that much. At the moment my entire savings totals around half that amount. I probably could get the rest of the money, but it would take me a couple of years and I don't particular want to wait that long to start T.

So now I've hit a dilemma. Current desire to starting T vs future possibility of biological children.

I keep putting off having to think or talk about it because if you ask me it's rather a big thing but I suppose I should try and sort through some of my thoughts which are currently all rather muddled.

At the moment I don't have an extreme I MUST START T NOW outlook. I'm not feeling hard done by waiting for my case to come before the gender panel. However, I do want to start them and don't really think the idea of waiting a couple of years is very appealing. Mostly because I think T will help me with confidence and passing.

I'm passing rather well at the moment. Maybe 80/90% of the time. I think this is helped by the fact that I restarted university, so while I am actually nearly 22 years old, I am quite passable as an 18 year old male and blend in with the other first years. I am of the opinion that the older I get the harder it will be to pass, but I am unsure if this is unfounded.

So I would rather like to start T as soon as they'll let me.

However, part of me does want to be a dad. And of the part of me that wants to be a dad, the majority of that part wants to father biological children. I acknowledge that I can't in the traditional sense, but I could have a genetic child via either a surrogate or my partner carrying my eggs with donor sperm.

The thing is, and I don't know if this is due to my young age or whatever, but I can't really see that happening. Maybe I'm being pessimistic. I view the odds of my a)finding a partner, b)deciding that we both want kids, c)having that partner willing to use my eggs over their own and d)obtaining donor sperm in light of the current situation in the UK as all very slim. So do I want to spend what is a rather large sum of money on something that probably won't even come to pass?

Because it is a lot of money. To me. At the clinic they suggested some parents would pay for storage but I come from a low income background and there is no way my parents could afford that much. Say they managed to afford the half I'm short, do I still want to spend all my savings on something that might never even come to be? It's a lot of fucking money when they might not even get used and to be honest, I'd quite like to go to Australia this summer to visit two mates that live there.

But then when I'm older looking back will I regret going to Australia over future children?

I'm sure some of you are thinking but what about fostering or adoption or donor sperm + your partner's eggs.

I've thought about all those too and here is where I am going to sound like an ignorant twat. While fostering and adoption are things I am interested in and the third option is also fine as a possibility, what if I want my OWN kids? And yes I realise that is not a very nice thing to say but at the moment it is how I feel.

Urgh. I feel bad just writing that. But I don't know, I'm young and naive and don't fully understand how love works. Perhaps I'm scared I won't be able to love kids that don't share genes with me.

Basically, I think my decision is already made. I am not going to store eggs. I am not going to spend that kind of money on the off chance that future me has managed to find someone and settle down and wants kids. I am not going to ask my parents for money for it. And I am not going to delay hormones to try and earn that money myself for it.

But still I really wish I didn't have to eliminate all possibility at such a young age...